to the man i'm pretty sure i just saw take a hot dog out of the trash can

dear stranger,

i caught you. i saw you furtively glance around before fishing that hot dog out of the trash. i watched as you stalked off practically inhaling your prize.

you must be hungry. we're all poor college students, but i'd be happy to buy you a frozen burrito or a lunchable or even a jamba juice - i'm feeling particularly generous today.

i don't know, maybe you're a freegan and eating out of the garbage is a lifestyle choice rather than poverty-induced suffering. in that case, in the words of my dear sassy gay friend, "what, what, what are you doing? ... look at your life, look at your choices." i get that you're trying to make a political statement about capitalism and consumerism... but look, dumpster diving is just plain gross. why not picket at walmart instead? probably a lot more sanitary.

whatever the case, you've been spotted. and the frozen burrito offer still stands.

sincerely,
a concerned onlooker