on adulthood

today, i had an epiphany, but not one of "a manifestation of a divine being." quite the opposite really.

today, i realized that i am not a grown-up.

this is something i have known cognitively for a long time. i often explain that mentally and emotionally speaking, i'm about 12. in spite of the fact that my body says, "i'm 20!" and my transcript says, "i'm a senior in college!" these exclamations means very little for my ability to function in adult society.

i am a legal adult. for me, that means a few things:
(1) i can vote [which i've done only once, and yes it was for Obama in 2008]
(2) i pay taxes [or rather, i give a piece of paper to the government explaining that my total earnings for the year was a measly three figures, and so uncle sam lets me keep it all]
(3) i don't live at home [though yes, mommy and daddy still pay the rent]
(4) i do my own grocery shopping [lots of milk and yummy chocolate chex]

however, there are lots more reasons why i'm NOT an adult. to name a few:
(1) i want to eat vegetables, i even crave them, but i can't get my act together to keep my fridge stocked with them
(2) i don't make my bed, ever
(3) i forget to pay rent [remember, this is my parents' money. i just can't remember to give that money to my management company]
(4) i've had the oil changed ONCE in my car since i left home three years ago
(5) i find that the state of my bedroom nicely illustrates the law of entropy and chaos theory: tending toward disorder [until half an hour ago, i couldn't see the floor in my room]
(6) orbit peppermint gum and jamba juice are the two largest food groups in my diet, followed closely by chocolate covered cinnamon bears and diet coke
(7) my brain is constantly screaming, "ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME"
(8) everything in [brackets] under "i am a legal adult," except voting for Obama. i know lots of real adults who did that in '08 and who would do it again in a heartbeat, and besides...
(9) i don't understand practical politics, much less care about them

put simply: i'm irresponsible.

if i could have my way, i would spend the rest of my life drifting between good books, good films, good food, good ideas, good conversation and good friends.

no more errands.

no more bills to pay.

no more sheets to change.

no more laundry.

no more paperwork.

i hate when reality hits. all that "no more" stuff? yeah, that's just part of life. but i want my way! humph! if you don't give it to me, i'm going to throw a fit.

[note of caution: these confessions? all true. hope that really turned you off, boys]

to the man i'm pretty sure i just saw take a hot dog out of the trash can

dear stranger,

i caught you. i saw you furtively glance around before fishing that hot dog out of the trash. i watched as you stalked off practically inhaling your prize.

you must be hungry. we're all poor college students, but i'd be happy to buy you a frozen burrito or a lunchable or even a jamba juice - i'm feeling particularly generous today.

i don't know, maybe you're a freegan and eating out of the garbage is a lifestyle choice rather than poverty-induced suffering. in that case, in the words of my dear sassy gay friend, "what, what, what are you doing? ... look at your life, look at your choices." i get that you're trying to make a political statement about capitalism and consumerism... but look, dumpster diving is just plain gross. why not picket at walmart instead? probably a lot more sanitary.

whatever the case, you've been spotted. and the frozen burrito offer still stands.

sincerely,
a concerned onlooker